I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
