so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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