Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
