I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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