i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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