even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Terrible idea I love it
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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