remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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