I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
