Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
