made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
