it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
