I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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