Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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