I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize