I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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