Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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