about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
