oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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