I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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