My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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