We're like a lot better than the average bears
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
