I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize