Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
