don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
