I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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