you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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