And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon