she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
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Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard