if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
