I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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