If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
