Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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