o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
