I think im going to throw up on grandma
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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