sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
