I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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