Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
