i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
