just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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