sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
