I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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