i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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