Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
