Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.