hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god