just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
