Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
