I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
