Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
