this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
