T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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