Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What a dumb baby whore.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
