I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
