Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Houston, we have a squirter
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
