how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
