do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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