Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You pole danced in your parka.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
