i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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