He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
