I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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